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我用维尼熊壁纸贴满这晦暗空间
戴上墨镜看着这可爱的世界.

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听陈绮贞是生活的必须

think this is the last entry before i defend singa-land.
it's three in the morning.
kinda late.
if i'm inside BMTC now..guess in 2 hrs time i've gotta wake up le.

start frm As ba.
i got decent grades. ABB. A for Chinese 'A'. B for Maths & Chem. B3 for GP.
never in the world was i expecting a B for chem. i knew it'd be better but a B wasn't what i was expecting. maybe a C or a D.
thought of the times when i stayed back in sch from Monday to Saturday..studied in libraries, reading rooms...all the prelim papers from other colleges and all those TYS that i did.
guess hardwork pays off in the end.
wouldn't be possible though, without help from chem tutors, encouragement from schmates and a friend.
happy for darius as well. studied with him most of the time during the As. he got triple As..so yup. congrats.
it's funny how u can see so much stuff in one afternoon.
the tears. the laughter. the satisfaction and rewards reaped from hardwork sowed. the regrets and lamentations that swiftly follow tears' trail.

someone used to say. we're more than what that piece of paper ( result slip) shows. that it's not that piece of paper that shapes our future, but our will.
i guess you can either choose to clear the obstacles infront of you, or be lost in a maze and you can't get out.
win or lose, you hold the key to your destiny.
dun lose heart even if you stumble here. it just means you have to find another route, another opening for yourself yar.

* * * * * * * * * * *

for many years, i've been this sickly little lamb, munching on what's left on this sparse plot of land. gazing far ahead, was this huge flock of sheeps grazing on a rich pasture.
the sheeps were thick with wool, snowy..pristine.
and there was this shepherd looking on, underneath fluffy clouds and a vast blue sky.
i don't dare to wander over.
don't know why.
there's a rich pasture just infront of me, that wouldn't be reduced to a sparse plot of land..despite the number of sheeps keep increasing.
maybe it's because they looked different.
maybe it's like i wouldn't fit in amongst them.
maybe it's like i wouldn't understand them.
maybe it's because they would just make me even feel out of place.
so i wander.

28 days later. i'm writing this entry.
some changes came over me. though i'm not sure what.
feel different ba.
these four weeks had been fruitful.
i met a group of lovely, beautiful people.
of girls that don't look their age. of the heart-wrenching lifestory of a friend that would never know sadness nor tears.
he touched me in ways that i know not of, a prisoner of his disabilities yet freed from worldly troubles.
of faith and beliveing the unseen, the supernatural.
of love, that motivates and propels us to greater deeds.

i've thought all along, it'd be alright if i'm alone.
used to. like in sec sch.
i enjoy company..but i try not to. 'cause you could be addicted to it.
but everything is better with people around.
food taste better with more people.
songs are of more joy with more people.
time spent is more fulfilling and enriching with more people.
it's hard not to enjoy company.
beats sitting alone on the bus to and from service.
beats sitting somewhere behind in near-empty rows.
it's nice to know that someone's looking out for you, even from afar.
that late in the night, you don't have to sit by the balcony..waiting for somewhere to msg you just for you to feel that people do remember you.
what's not to like about company, even more so when you're amongst beautiful people?

kinda thank everyone for the hospitality shown for the past 28 days.
most probably they won't see this..but i'm the sort that relies a lot on my emotions, i.e emotions overrule logic, be it for decisions or umm..okay. everything. lol.
so it really depends on what i feel.
i feel welcomed.
at home.
and i enjoyed the fellowship, even if we're not going to Mordor. lol.

i made windmills for them and gave them today.
it really makes you high when people appreciate what you do.
dun like to buy presents for people..but make it on my own. lol. someone once said it was cheapo. i say it comes from my heart.
it's amazing how grown-ups..their eyes could still light up to things that would bring out that little kid in them.
like desiree whom i kinda poked fun at 'cause she looks more sleepy than me.
she kept blowing it and had this windmill blowing competition with the rest.
and charmaine too.
sidetrack a while yar, both of them don't look their age.
don't.
like charmaine. she's 20. 20.
lol. it's 0403 in the morning, and i'm still reeling from shock.
k, that's exaggerating but 20?
i'm 19 but still that's really surprising.

the way it works...everyone is busy trying to grow up quickly.

sometimes we kinda neglect that little child in all of us.
time works passively and without resistance.
we can't exactly see time, but we can feel it passing by.
tribulations, experiences, heartaches hardened our hearts, peeling off naivety and innocence.
that little kid becomes elusive, only allowed to appear now and then.
so it was gratifying to see desiree, charmaine etc. actually liking what i did.
makes all the time and effort spent seem so worthwhile.
i'm pacing up and down along the borders of adulthood and guess national service would be the first step.
our rites of passage, the transition from a child to an adult.
In the article "Coming Together to Prevent the Demise of Humanity", Martha White writes that, "In the two previous stages, childhood and young adulthood, life itself provides most of the impetus for growth and change. In the stage of mid-life, however, life comes to us and says: "I've brought you this far, and I am now going to go sit in my rocking chair and rest. I will do my best to keep your body alive, however, from now on; your life is entirely up to you. I've grown you up. Now you have to decide whether you will become an adult with the potential of becoming a wise elder. It is up to you whether you make meaning of your life or not."
guess it's really true.
but i guess, let's try to keep that little kid in us..the bright eyed curiousity, the big wide grins and untainted innocence.
But Jesus called the children to him and said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." (Luke 18:16-17)

* * * * * * * * * * *

i've been retracing paths and places i've been to.
paths that i once took, things that i did, people i know.
reviewing memories on bus rides.
ha, i even took a look at my previous writings...seem so infantile eh.
but these are people who shaped me in one way or another for the past 18 years..
like family, grandaunt, grandpapamama..cousin joey that kinda settled almost every troubling matter in my life. like joey, we roamed everywhere when we were kids. i dun haf a older brother so he was like one to me. played ball together and made the team together. cycled everywhere, cut and bruised ourselves. defending me from bengs who couldn't take it lying down for losing a basketball game. teaching me stuff that i need help with in school, from primary to jc.
i used to haf this stinky attitude problem. kinda more like being misunderstood.
there was this period during sec 1 and 2, where there was so much darkness in my heart.
i didn't smoke, steal, fight or watsoever..but just had this really big attitude problem in school.
kinda didn't have any friends. teachers looked down on me 'cause i was always punished for late coming, wearing this CWO bleep and picking rubbish everywhere on the campus. think some of you might know the story behind why i'm always late but that's that.
save for my arts and chi teacher who knew me for what i am eh.
so kinda brought a lot of pain on my family, especially mama during that period.
really broke her heart then.
haha. so yar. thankfully mr leow came along. if not i'd never be where and what i am today.
A and Emaths improved and so did my sciences. Higher Mother Tongue have been okay all along but that brought me on the right track.
if not for miss sng's committment and mr leow's appearances, wouldn't have been in jc, let alone get posted to sa. they really made this big impact on my life.
i'm so much better now eh? as a student. as a person.
and so did my pri sch chi teach..lol. chenlaoshi. haha. always misbehave in her class with all sorts of antics..but she really sparked my interest in Chinese. saw her at Fairprice last month and she was gratified that i didn't let her down by continuing takin Chinese at A levels.

and there were friends. my very first one. liangping.
lol. this really honest, steadfast friend for life.
met him during our trips to commonwealth sec for higher chinese. later in the same class for sec 3 and 4.
of the many afternoons together playing basketball. studying together. forming bubblegum gang with michelle and jiani. of matters of the heart and of studies. this is one person who would never let you down and would go miles for you, fillal and helps out with even more housework than i do! really, traits that go so very well down among parents yar! you seldom find people like him today. and my mama would be like..."why don't you be more like liangping...etc."
this is one person you can trust and count on for the rest of your life.
and there's people like yuxian, michelle, jianni, john, nuanyi, melissa, lynn, darius, charlott, tingyi, serena and lots more that shaped the past 18 years.

there's so much more in the years to come.
there's a new family for me to get to know in church.
there's a whole new lifestyle in the army and then in uni.
there're the plans that He has for me.
and so many things for me to accomplish in my prime.
thanks for everything everyone has said and done for me, the past 18 years.
ups and downs, valleys and peaks.
but we'd walk on together eh.
haha. as of now, i'd end off and go on hiatus.

The Calling
Our Lives

Is it love tonight
When everyone's dreaming
Of a better life
In this world
Divided by fear
We've gotta believe that
There's a reason we're here
Yeah, there's a reason we're here

Cause these are the days worth living
These are the years we're given
And these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives

See the truth all around
Our faith can be broken
And our hands can be bound
But open our hearts and fill up the emptiness
With nothing to stop us
Is it not worth the risk?
Yeah, is it not worth the risk?

Cause these are the days worth living
These are the years we're given
And these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives
Even if hope was shattered
I know it wouldn't matter
Cause these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives

We can't go on
Thinking it's wrong
To speak our minds
I've gotta let out what's inside

Is it love tonight
When everyone's dreaming
Can we get it right?
Yeah, well can we get it right?

Cause these are the days worth living
These are the years we're given
And these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives
Even if hope was shattered
I know it wouldn't matter
Because these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives

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