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戴上墨镜看着这可爱的世界.

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₪ doubt

michelle called me in the night and told me andy's mom passed away.
i din sleep well after tat.
i tot a lot.
something gripped me...i dunno wat.
a lot of wat if's started forming in my mind. wat if i wouldn't wake up after i fall asleep.
wat if something happened to me. would i haf regrets?
would i protest vehemently at the loss of my life?

once, i felt that having lived to 17 was tiring enough. i felt as if i lived enough.
but think of all the marvels of this world, from tiny stuff like a caterpillar's metamorphosis or to see Halley's Comet again...there's so many things to live for.
suddenly, my own disappointment seem so tiny, so naive, so immature..
to lose a parent at 17....i'd cry my eyes out.
when i imagine having to go home...and my mum isn;t there to help me open the door.
and my own voice echoing round the house when i called out to her.
i tink of this amount of pain and sadness...and everything pales against it.

it takes a lot of courage to move on. to pull yourself together.
michelle and mr leow...you guys are really strong.
and andy as well..

and....here comes my doubts..
i always believed that God put us through hurdles and obstacles becos He knows we will overcome them and triumph in the end.
andy;s mom was battling cancer..ever so strongly, not giving up.
why didn't she win the fight? why is it that this is the ending?
why can;'t she recover? why isn't there a miracle?
why didn't He catch her when she fall?
it doesn't matter wat religion i'm referring to here....why didn't divine forces that be do anything?
why is it that with so much effort, with all their heart, they can';t win and triumph over distresses and pain?
i travelled to so many churches this hols to find somewhere i belong.
but i'm doubting myself more and more...

Be strong, that would be what your mom and He would want from you.

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